I found yet another random scratch on my car today and, as usual, I freaked out. As lame and materialistic as it sounds, there's few things I care more about than my car so you can imagine my (not-so-slight) anger when a blemish appears. This got me thinking. What if I drove a crappy car? The endless possibilities flooded into my mind. Just imagine.

1. Less Stress - I spend endless time and money making sure my car is clean and that scratches aren't visible. When you've got three or four dents and three or four hundred scratches on your car, though, one scratch is just adding to the collection. Heck, it makes the car look more like a classic. You lose all worry and the stress is virtually gone. Car wash? Psh. What difference will that make? Say goodbye to glossy finish and anti-scratch overcoats. You just gained yourself $25/month. Go out and buy your friends a round of beers (or grab a case for yourself. FUN NIGHTS)

2. No need for spare keys - Ever forget your keys in your car? Say goodbye to spending hours looking for a spare key or sketchily breaking into your car. Just leave your car there for the tow truck and go grab yourself a new dumpster dreamboat. It's a win-win situation. You get a new car and the guy working the tow truck gets something to do for the day. Now that's what I call effective.

3. Good way to gain money - And accidents? Heck you should go around looking for those. With each one, you'll probably get more money than what the car cost. The driver of the other car will have no clue which scratches and dents were there before the accident so you'd be making money. Even the "trauma" relief money will be more than what your car cost. Since insurance will be obsolete with your new and improved crappy car, the net gain is enormous because all you're paying for is licensing.

4. No one will break in! - Who wants to break into a '88 Camry when there's BMW's all around the city? You can use your crappy car as a safe - nobody is going to think that someone will be storing valuables in a car that old. You'll feel completely safe parking your car in even the worst of areas.

5. Get into every parking space - Even the tightest of parking spaces are now simple to get into. Parallel parking is now a breeze with your newly purchased crappy car. Simply back up into the spot until you hit the car behind you, then move forward until you hit the car in front of you, and then inch back again and you're all set. Parallel parking in under a minute. What more could you want?

Bottom line: I don't know about you, but I can't wait for my next car purchase. '85 Civic, here I come. 60 HP BABY!